Creating a sense of belonging at work
Nobody really taught me how to build relationships at work. Long time ago, I initially misunderstood “professional relationships” to mean building connections without showing any emotion. In my confusion, I categorized my relationships with coworkers as “other.” I quickly realized that acting like a cyborg did not bring me joy at work. After all, I spend most of my time at work each day. My solution was to seek a sense of belonging at work. I desired to feel comfortable being myself, sharing my thoughts, and truly feeling accepted. How can I be true to myself and feel a sense of belonging without becoming a cyborg?
In this article, I aim to provide a few tips and share some helpful articles and research.
0. The benefit of belonging at work.
Many experts iterated that workplace of belonging is good for the business. According to Harvard Business Review, companies reap substantial benefits when workers feel belonged.
High belonging was linked to a whopping 56% increase in job performance, a 50% drop in turnover risk, and a 75% reduction in sick days. For a 10,000-person company, this would result in annual savings of more than $52M.
1. Consider grabbing a coffee outside of work
When I interned at an organization affiliated with the UN, diplomats from a certain country (which I cannot specify) always wanted to arrange lunch, cocktail hours, or coffee meetups with members of our group. I learned that they even had a stipulated budget for such gatherings. These work-adjacent activities made me feel more connected and invested in their projects. The increased personal connection meant that I cared more — instead of just reviewing their project once, I found myself wanting to review it more times.
Being part of an affinity group at work, we would often connect over brunch. This was my “safe space.” It was the “nest” I’d return to whenever I had concerns or questions that I didn’t want to share with others. They also shared stories about how they had overcome similar challenges. I trusted them to help me to bring the best out of me without any judgment.
But what if “team outings” aren’t providing the sense of belonging that I’ve described?
I encourage you to reconsider what type of relationships you want to foster with your coworkers. Remember, you don’t have to be liked by everyone. Being friends with every team member isn’t a necessity either. However, do you have at least one teammate you can connect with? With them, you can create dynamic relationships — not only friendships. Could you cultivate a mentor-mentee, supporter, or partner relationship with at least one person?
2. The power of micro-moves: be kind and be firm
A study shows that micro-moves could have significant power.
What are micro-moves?
By micro-moves we refer to small acts or behaviors that can lead to positive changes in the ways people approach, engage and act in a variety of situations.
The tip here is to avoid giving constructive feedback publicly, while praise for positive feedback can be given openly (quick shout-outs during all-hands meetings or town halls, or kudos during retrospectives).
This also suggests that you can establish firm boundaries. Say ‘No’ to things that make you uncomfortable. Set expectations earlier rather than later.
3. The power of balanced feedback
It’s important to provide balanced feedback. Have you ever had a boss or coworker who only shared constructive feedback? I once had a manager who never celebrated my triumphs, but was exceptionally critical of my mistakes.
I’ve worked under this manager who took less than 2 seconds to deliver positive feedback — only uttering a quick ‘good job’ — but spent 20 minutes nitpicking minor errors. I understand that my manager may want to carefully deliver constructive feedback. However, if this is a recurrent pattern, it becomes disheartening. It feels as though my contributions aren’t valued.
In fact, you can provide ‘constructive’ positive feedback by outlining examples and explaining their impact. Use the same principle and make ‘I’ statements. Your personalized notes will make individuals remember you.
For instance, instead of simply stating, ‘Good job facilitating team meetings,’ you could say:
I really appreciate that Selina’s facilitation skills. During meetings, she creates en environment where it easy to communicate and be transparent. She always makes space for everyone to share their thoughts without feeling judged or afraid of. In a meeting, I was only junior engineer and everyone was senior or staff engineers. Although I had a thought that I wanted to share with the group, I couldn’t do it because I felt intimidated and nervous. She followed up with me how I felt about the meeting, so I was able to share what happend. At the next meeting, she created a space for me to share my thoughts and built a conversation off on it. She made me feel like my thoughts were valued. I couldn’t be more appreciative and grateful to have her as a teammate!
When you think of ‘balanced feedback’, you might focus only on the quantity of each type of feedback. However, the quality of each feedback and how you share it is just as important. When giving positive feedback as well, make sure to convey it genuinely.
4. Maybe not a friend but be an “ally”
What do I mean by ally?
I modified a google definition to be precise:
a state formally cooperating with another for a purpose.
I know ‘state’ sounds more formal, but there is a reason why I chose this over ‘classmate’ or ‘neighbor’.
These ‘allies’ do much more than just work together. Take a look at the White House; they throw parties. The President of South Korea even sang “American pie” for Biden. They understand the power of connections. Make sure they remember you in a positive light. I do know a guy who sang Sam Smith’s ‘I’m Not The Only One’ exceptionally well during a company event and impressed everyone there. Everyone knew his name and had a positive image of him, which certainly aided in his promotion. I’m not suggesting you need to sing to get promoted or that displaying talent irrelevant to your work performance is what matters. However, he made himself known to people, and some admired him for his talent and bravery. Can we undermine the power of soft skills and unconscious bias? For those of us who can’t sing like Sam Smith, we can make ourselves known simply by asking, ‘How are you?’ Start from making people remember who you are and the positive image of you.
5. Do not judge, for you will be judged.
Nobody wants to be judged. If you’re not cautious, you might inadvertently turn your coworker into your enemy, which would be a nightmare!
My career coach taught me about the ‘I feel/felt … I wish …’ approach. To avoid sounding judgmental, you can elaborate on your emotions and the impact of your coworker’s words or actions. Using the ‘I wish…’ statement, you can then express your expectations of receiving respectful treatment.
Thanks for reading, and I hope this post was helpful!
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